The Tools Of Manipulation
I’ve written before about toxic relationship dynamics (and I will again, until it sinks in), the kinds of relationships that drain rather than nourish us. From everything I’ve ever explored in personal development, I still believe this is the most important topic: spotting manipulation. Not just spotting the people who do it, but recognising the tools themselves. And let’s be honest, there are many.
Perhaps even more unnerving is this: manipulation isn’t just found in toxic partners, friends, or families. It’s everywhere. It’s baked into media stories, social media posts, the products we’re told to buy, even the political narratives we’re fed. And if we’re being really honest, many of us use manipulative tools ourselves. Not in a villainous way, but subtly and unconsciously. To feel seen, to avoid rejection, to sidestep accountability.
This is why I want to talk about manipulation. You could say it’s preoccupied me since childhood — not because I was drawn to it, but because I could feel it, like a sixth sense. I could spot lies. I got angry when I felt emotionally cornered. I didn’t always know I was being manipulated, but my body did. No wonder I ended up acting as a messenger between my forever separating parents — not because they made me, but because I inserted myself, trying to mend things between them. Even as a child, I had a radar for relationships — not that I understood that at the time, not really. Not until now.
Over time, I started doubting that sense. I met so little honesty and repair in my relationships that I assumed I was the problem. And yes, I’ve used manipulative strategies myself. I think most of us have. The difference is, I would have owned it if given the chance. If someone had stayed in the room long enough for a proper conversation, for resolution, for mutual understanding.
That, I think, is the blurry but important line between what we call “toxic” and what isn’t. Most of us carry some learned dysfunction, and many of us grow out of it with time. But the truly toxic dynamic is marked by a refusal to repair. The toxic person is not available for that process. The non-toxic one, even if clumsy or flawed, would eventually be willing to lay their part of the game out on the table. If there’s space for truth, they will show up for it.
So today I want to map out the tools of manipulation I see used, not just by difficult people but by institutions, influencers, brands, even well-meaning friends. We all want to be seen and held, but when we go about it in ways that override someone else’s reality, it becomes imbalance and often harm.
Here are the ten manipulation tools I’ve explored in the past and have identified in my life, across private and public life. Each one has a flavour. Each one can be felt — in the body, in the conversation, in the silence.
Gaslighting
What it is: Undermining someone’s sense of reality by making them doubt their memory, feelings, or perception.
In private: “You’re imagining things.” “That never happened.”
In public: Denial of facts or rewriting history — “We never said that.” “It’s all fake news.”
How to spot it: You feel confused, off-balance, or like you can’t trust your own mind. You might find yourself apologising for being hurt.
Blame Reversal or Victim-Playing
What it is: Flipping the situation so the manipulator becomes the victim, dodging responsibility.
In private: “You made me act like that.” “You’re attacking me just for being honest.”
In public: Offenders spinning accountability into persecution — “I’m being attacked for having an opinion.”
How to spot it: You feel guilty for bringing up your pain or criticism. You might start justifying your boundaries.
Virtue-Signalling
What it is: Using moral identity or values to manipulate perception or silence criticism.
In private: “As a spiritual person, I’d never do that,” while doing exactly that.
In public: Brands adopting progressive causes while continuing unethical practices.
How to spot it: The values are loudly displayed, but the actual behaviour doesn’t match. You might feel morally shamed or cornered.
Narratives or Intellectual Bypassing
What it is: Replacing real emotional presence with therapy-speak, ideology, or spiritual jargon.
In private: “That’s just your trauma speaking.” “You’re projecting.”
In public: Content creators reducing human pain to quick diagnoses or frameworks.
How to spot it: You feel analysed, not heard. The conversation feels more like a TED Talk than a connection.
Breadcrumbing
What it is: Giving just enough attention or affection to keep someone engaged without ever committing.
In private: Hot-and-cold messages. Future promises with no follow-through.
In public: Influencers teasing “big things coming…” endlessly, keeping followers hooked.
How to spot it: You’re constantly waiting, checking your phone, hoping for clarity. The relationship feels emotionally underfed.
Weaponised Insecurity / Emotional Withholding
What it is: Controlling someone by making them feel unsure of their worth.
In private: Backhanded compliments, silence, inconsistent affection.
In public: Marketing built around lack — “you’re not enough without this product.”
How to spot it: You feel anxious, self-conscious, or like you’re walking on eggshells to “earn” someone’s love or attention.
Performative Empathy
What it is: Fake concern used to save face or control the emotional narrative.
In private: “I understand” with no behavioural change or follow-up.
In public: PR apologies crafted to look caring but lacking any real accountability.
How to spot it: The words sound right but feel hollow. The apology feels like a performance, not a bridge.
Emotional Debt / Reciprocity Blackmail
What it is: Using past “generosity” to control future choices.
In private: “After everything I’ve done for you…”
In public: Charity or support tied to guilt — “If you don’t support this, you’re heartless.”
How to spot it: You feel indebted for things you didn’t ask for. Kindness feels like a transaction.
False Urgency / Manufactured Scarcity
What it is: Creating time pressure or panic to override critical thinking.
In private: Ultimatums: “Decide now or I’m done.”
In public: “Only 3 left!” “This will be deleted in 24 hours!”
How to spot it: You feel rushed, nervous, or pressured to decide instead of grounded in your own pace.
Selective Truth
What it is: Presenting partial truth to control how others perceive the situation.
In private: Telling only the convenient part of the story to win sympathy or avoid blame.
In public: Political spin, PR statements, or social media highlight reels.
How to spot it: The story feels too neat. You sense gaps. You’re left with more questions than answers.
Attack and Deflect
What it is: When someone avoids the point by turning the conversation into a personal attack.
In private: “You’re too sensitive.” “You always make things about you.”
In public: When a politician dodges a tough question by attacking the journalist personally, or when someone in a comment thread responds to facts with insults aimed at the messenger.
How to spot it: You feel the shift — from issue to identity. The conversation turns into a defence of your character, not your point.
Manipulation isn’t just what bad people do. It’s what people do when they’re scared, when they want connection but don’t know how to ask, when they think they have no other way. It shows up in the everyday. It’s quiet but corrosive.
So I invite you to reflect:
Which of these tools have you seen?
Which have you used?
Which ones do you still fall for?
I’d love to hear your thoughts and any manipulation tactics you’ve noticed that didn’t make it to my list. Leave a comment or send a message if this resonates.
Because noticing is the first step out.