Healthy But Not - And Looking For Ways To Heal

It’s been a while since I last complained about my life, hasn’t it? I suppose I could pretend everything is blissful—“Look how well I’m managing! Look at what I have to offer!”—but honestly, I don’t see the point.

In reality, I have little to complain about. Since choosing an unconventional life away from the noise—one where I set my own expectations—things have become much more peaceful. But I haven’t been able to leave behind my lingering health struggles. I still can’t quite let go of the urge to “fix” myself, hoping that the parts of my body that aren’t quite up to speed will eventually catch up.

For those unfamiliar with the backstory, my struggles largely mirror those associated mostly with ADHD , plus a few extras. Executive dysfunction is my biggest challenge—the part where getting up and doing things, and keeping them going, feels impossible. I’ve trained myself to be quite productive when necessary, but that doesn’t mean it comes easily. My mind constantly runs like an ever-expanding to-do list, adding new tasks every few hours. Because let’s face it, that’s what life is: an endless stream of things that need doing, some daily, some not, but all piling up nonetheless.

Somewhere in all this I struggle with a deep undercurrent of dissociation. I feel most at ease when I can simply sit, dream, sleep, or think my way through life. I’ve been sold the idea that dissociation is a symptom of trauma—early trauma. And I won’t dismiss that possibility. I grew up in a troubled family, so there’s every reason to believe dissociation was as much a survival mechanism then as it is now. But I find it difficult to untangle how much of my experience is trauma-related and how much is simply down to my neurological makeup.

Trauma vs. Neurodivergence

This is where things get tricky, and I’ll explore the overlap between trauma and neurodivergence in another piece. But for now, I’ll say this: I’ve done trauma therapy. That’s where the “plus some other brain issues” from earlier comes in. I don’t have vivid memories of my past—very little, in fact. The main trauma I do recall is lifelong neglect, both from my parents and from society as a whole. I have what some call SDAM (Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory). My sensory perception is poor, almost nonexistent, as are my ability to experience feelings and my capacity for mental imagery (aphantasia). I don’t see pictures in my head—no colours, no visuals—possibly another sensory processing issue.

Then there’s my difficult relationship with food, which no longer feels entirely psychological. It’s something in my brain—dopamine deficiency or something else—paired with gut issues. The result? Weight struggles, despite a fairly healthy, whole-foods diet and a lot of discipline.

That’s the gist of my health struggles. No chronic pain, no allergies, no obvious disease thankfully. When I still trusted doctors with my issues, most of my medical tests would come back inconclusive. But I haven’t sought medical help for years, because at some point, I stopped believing doctors had anything useful to offer.

Searching for Answers

For the past seven years or so, I’ve been searching. Searching for trauma, for relationship patterns, for dietary solutions. Experimenting with detoxes, which have improved my general well-being but haven’t touched my core issue. I struggle to start, to keep going, to get things done. And I need to. I’m solo parenting which comes with a requirement to get things done.

That’s why, about a year and a half ago, I started looking into nervous system regulation. Because here is the the common story line that I came across that I eventually bought into. The story you will read online about nervous system regulation will go something like this: I have tried all sorts of diets, cutting out gluten, ate fermented foods all the time, I tried physical therapies, all the different ones that promise healing, I tried natural remedies, homeopathy, spent 100k on healing but nothing worked: until I discovered nervous system work.” That story I read over and over again. A year later I still don’t know if those are just marketing stories or real stories that promise these transformative results. But let me explain…

Nervous System Stimulation vs….

There are countless names for this kind of work—polyvagal theory, nervous system regulation, somatic experiencing, vagus nerve stimulation, bottom-up healing. At their core, they all focus on the same idea: helping the body feel safe. But the approaches vary wildly.

Some swear by quick hacks—ice baths, extreme workouts, cold plunges, intense breathwork to “stimulate” the nervous system. And to be honest, I don’t love this approach. Not because it doesn’t work, but because it feels like the same old mindset repackaged: push harder, do more, force your body into submission. It ignores the bigger issue—that our entire lifestyle is dysregulated. And it ignores the fact that hacking your life constantly may actually throw you into dysregulation.

We’re constantly running on empty. Pregnancy is rushed. Parenting is relentless. Work is exhausting. We never slow down, and we treat burnout like a badge of honour. Then we wonder why our bodies are screaming at us.

And what do we do? We throw another extreme intervention at it. Ice baths four times a week. Intense fasting. More control. But is that really regulation? Or just another way of making the body respond to pressure?

I’m not saying movement, cold exposure, or vagus nerve stimulation are useless. But I don’t believe we were meant to live in a constant state of biohacking. I don’t want to “trick” my body into feeling better. I want to be better. I want deep, lasting change with comes with some reversal of my symptoms.

… Nervous System Healing

When the nervous system is functioning properly, it moves fluidly between activation and rest, adapting to life’s demands without getting stuck in stress loops. But many people are trapped in dysregulation—either in chronic fight-or-flight, marked by anxiety, tension, and hypervigilance, or in a shutdown state, characterised by exhaustion, numbness, and detachment. This dysregulation wreaks havoc on both mind and body, fuelling cycles of stress, inflammation, and chronic conditions like PCOS, ME/CFS, SIBO, fibromyalgia, and other stress-related illnesses—often without us realising the full extent of its impact.

Plenty of programmes promise to "reset" the nervous system, offering exercises designed to restore a sense of safety to the body. And while some techniques bring temporary relief, true healing isn’t about quick fixes or forcing regulation—it’s about gradually re-establishing a deep, embodied sense of safety. That requires more than just stimulation; it means engaging consistently with our environment, relationships, and inner states so the body can relearn trust, resilience, and balance.

… But I couldn’t regulate

A few weeks ago, I wrote about a nervous system programme that seemed promising but ultimately wasn’t. (If you’re curious, you can read about it >> HERE <<). The basic idea behind nervous system regulation is that small, consistent practices can shift the body back into a state of healthy regulation over time. But the more I look into it, the more I realise how little is actually said about what healing looks like.

People talk about regulation—feeling calm, present, connected, growing capacity. But what about the journey there? How do we get from dysregulation to ease? Is it smooth? Is it painful? Do old emotions resurface? What should I be looking for in myself—not just in others?

Because for me, this process hasn’t been straightforward. I’ve done the work—processed my past, improved my physical health, reduced stress as much as I realistically can. And yet, I’m still caught in what they call freeze—which sounds an awful lot like executive dysfunction, dissociation, and all my other brain struggles. I’ve yet to see anyone claim that nervous system regulation can help with neurodivergence-related challenges.

Not Just Trauma—But the Environment

Looking at my son, I see a child who hasn’t experienced major trauma and yet still isn’t regulated. This shows me that something else is at play here. It’s not just about trauma or toxins—there’s something about the way we live today that disrupts our body’s natural rhythms.

And so, I’m looking for ways to activate the engagement system (the vagus nerve) and help the body get the right signals to come out of freeze. That’s what I’m after—real healing, not another quick fix.

Still Looking

I don’t have all the answers. But I can invite you to explore this with me. Nervous system regulation is still a developing field. When we talk about “chemical imbalances,” “hormonal issues,” or “autoimmune diseases,” we might actually be talking about the same underlying problem. Somewhere in the tangled mess of stress, trauma, modern life, and survival, learning to read our nervous system states might be part of the solution.

I don’t want to spend my life managing symptoms, fighting my body, or hacking my diet in the hope of functioning better. I want to get to the root of it. I want to understand why my body is stuck. And I want to know what real healing looks like.

So I’ll keep watching. Keep questioning. Keep exploring. Because if there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s this: we still have so much to learn.